Denver Decorative Concrete & Custom Masonry35 year old step son going on two years living with us. Help!?
This is my second marriage. Married three years now to a wonderful man. We’re very happy except for 1 major thing: My husband has allowed his thirty five year old son to live with us. His son is an alcoholic/meth user who was living on the streets. Was living on the streets, but now living in our home. This is going on two yrs. this February 2011. His driver’s license was pulled but recently it was released to him. It’s still sitting down at the D.M.V. office because he does not have the $15 it costs to get it. He had $200 monthly food stamps but the county dropped those services to him being as how he is been receiving it for nearly two years and still hasn’t found, nor looked, for a job. My husband put him through welding school and the welding certificates are still sitting at the school waiting to be picked up, which will cost $100. We have the money but my husband hasn’t budged. My step son recently went back to his former city where he has friends in order to work on his friend’s ranch, harvesting persimmons and almonds. The first time he was gone for three weeks. When he came back he said he spent all the money he earned while working. He went back for another three weeks and was supposed to return with the end of the harvest money owed him which was supposed to be nearly $400. He was to use that money to get his driver’s license, his car registered, and insured. Since he is been back, he is eaten the food I had purchased for my husband and I, including the Diet Pepsis we drink. The son only drinks Dr. Pepper but will help himself to our stuff. I asked him where his money was that he had earned and he gave me some story about a guy taking the money and they haven’t seen him since. He stays up for twenty four hours at a time, looks either drunk or on drugs, pisses outside on our concrete rather than walking the one yard to the bathroom; (the odor will knock you down!) When I told my husband I wanted his son out of here my husband told me that he will never put his son back out on the street. I’ve been in therapy over this and my therapist basically said to let my husband suffer the consequences of his son’s behavior. But I’m the 1 dealing with his sh**. My husband is in denial. I feel that this living arrangement is going to destroy our marriage. I love my husband dearly. We get along so wonderfully! But I do not know how to handle this situation. Do I keep ignoring his drug use and failure to go to work? When I go to the fridge to get a Pepsi and they’re gone because he drank them all I’m ready to explode! Does anyone know how to help me? Please be sincere and not hateful. This feels like a no win situation and I’m the loser. Am I right in my thinking?
This is a tough one. You only have two choices though. Stay and put up with it or leave and see if your husband will back down. At thirty five he’s not going to sort himself out whilst he can live there and get everything for free.
you’re right in thinking this will destroy your marriage! It WILL!!
the thing about dysfunctional people is that they try to make the functional people
around them dysfunctional as well!!
so you need to ask yourself and ask your husband if your marriage is worth his son’s security blanket.
I never, ever would make this suggestion however this is 1 of those times where there is only 1 real path to take here;
Its either your son or me….choose now.
Comprehend that this is a very volatile weapon and not to be used lightly. If you plan on using it as a bluff and he calls it by saying ‘then leave’….you had better have made plans to do so in that event rather than stand there neutered because he called you out on it. If he is stupid enough to say that then you should act to show you’re not jerking him off.
Other than that there is no other solution. You can give him 1 week to decide if necessary but if the slug son stays then I’d go. Screw it….if your husband chooses the son over you let him wet nurse junior until he is fifty or your husband dies and junior returns to the streets…which is where he’ll end up in the long run anyway.
If your helping someone no matter family or not and they are doing the same shit that got them into the predicament which they are in. Than you have full right to talk to your husband and get this resolved. Talk to your husband and tell him his son needs to be out within the next 6 months.
You have to convince your husband that he’s enabling this bad behavior and it will end up killing the son sooner than later. If you have the money, you might be better off by looking into sending the son to a landmark forum site to get help for himself. My brother was abusing drugs and alcohol years ago to the point his wife divorced him but landmark turned his life around to the point he became an instructor with landmark and now is involved in other motivational fields
Wow! that is 1 tough situation. Your hubby is dealing with guilt about moving his son out, whether its actual or just talked about. There are some things you can try but they’ll feel strange. Like putting a fridge lock on the fridge. They do sell those. Vacuum his room for him (your such a nice step-mom …right) at 6AM!turn the electric off in his room only (switch box) at a specific time. Lock box the TV set. (cable companies carry those). YOU make the rules in the house. I feel for you…wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.
I think you should move out. Tell him you do not want a divorce, but you’re not going to live with his son anymore. Tell him you’ll move back in once his son has his own place, until then he can come visit you at your place.
You are correct. Your husband is WRONG, and he is an enabler. I hate to say this, but it’s time for a ultimatum: either you go or the son goes. He says he will not put son back on the street, but will he let his wife go on the street if you threaten to leave? If so you do not need a man like that anyway.
The son is a GROWN man, if he ends up on the street, it’s his own fault. He’s obviously lying to you and spending everything he earns on drugs. He will NEVER get clean and get a job if your husband continues. I think your best shot it this: Honey, I love my step-son very much, which is why I refuse to stand by and watch him kill himself. If he continues his lifestyle, he will end up dead…. EVEN if he stays in our home. I want him to get better, but it’s obvious the only way that wil happen is if he cleans up. We’ve done everything we can at this point: put a roof over his head, bought him food to survive on, paid for certificate education so he can get a job…. none of it has worked. It’s obvious to Maine that you are in denial, so I am here to tell you…. the only way for us to help him now is to cut him loose. Let him figure it out on his own. If you do not stand behind me on this as your wife, I am prepared to leave. It would be a different situation if he was a child or teenager, but he’s a grown ass man. He is thirty five and it’s time he figured it out…
THen you stick to your guns. Maybe it will take you leaving for a few weeks for your husband to realize you’re right. But do not make empty threats if you’re not prepared to follow through…
It seems you are getting a glimpse at your husbands lack of parenting skills that got your stepson to this point in the first place. Do not get me wrong…your stepson has a responsibilty to himself….but how can he take responsibilty if he was never taught how to be responsible. Now it seems your husband is just enabling him to be like this out of guilt for letting this happen at all.
It’s probably toughest on you because you have now say or control in this situation but it is affecting (or more accurately INFECTING) your life.
Everyone seems to want put your stepson out there working like a normal thirty five year old without dealing with some obvious emotional and mental problems first…never mind the addiction. He can go through the motions of being a regular thirty five year old which is what you guys want…but he is not.
He needs help that you guys are not qualified or capable of giving. Your husbands belief that the only 2 options are having this continue or putting him out on the street is proof af that.
He should be in a clinic….even if he has been sober for a long time he’s still an addict. When someone has a problem like your stepson it’s an easy answer to say it’s the drugs….but drugs are just really a bi-product of a deeper emotional issue that needs to be addressed before he steps out into the world as a functioning adult.
I would talk about this with your husband in a supportive manner and look into getting your stepson some real help… if he doesn’t want to you may want to consider making a plan for yourself to eventually leave if you need to.
As bad as all this is, so much energy is wasted focusing on 1 person that you start to overlook yourself…your needs and what this pain is doing to you…or your husband for that matter. Eventually you just lose yourself in the chaos and it’s almost impossible to get out…I think you can see that now in your husband and stepson…that they’re just completely lost in this.
Just have the strength to not let this beat you…and if no 1 else wants to work towards fixing this you may need to leave before it does.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this…good luck.
You are absolutely right in your thinking. However, as a mother, I can only imagine how I’d feel if I put my drug addicted son out on the street and he winds up lifeless or something. The guilt on me would be so heavy, I couldn’t bear it. Yes, he’s 35. Yes, he should’ve become his act together a long time ago. But he hasn’t. And that would be what ruled me. To me, it’d be no different if he were sick and I would treat his drug addiction as a sickness. Actually, I’d probably send him to a live in treatment center if I could afford it.
However, with this being your step son and you only being with/around him 3yrs, you wouldn’t have the same sensibility as your husband would. It would probably be different if you had a hand in raising him but at the time you got married, you were already dealing with a 30something year old f*ck up and I’m sure that can’t be easy.
Furthermore, if my husband gave me a its me or him ultimatum, he would have to go. My reasons are that I do not deal in ultimatums period regardless of what they’re and/or what they are for. But, I’m not really unreasonable so when he came to talk to me about his concerns, I’d listen. Even if he did not listen, I’m wouldn’t accept a either you do this or I’m doing this type situation. I wouldn’t let someone pressure me to do anything for the good or the bad.
Pray to Jehovah, and ask the elders for some scriptural advice.
(1 Peter 3:1-2) 3 In like manner, YOU wives, be in subjection to YOUR own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of [their] wives, 2 because of having been eyewitnesses of YOUR chaste conduct together with deep respect. . .